All Hail Paul Ekman!

I am continually studying the power of non-verbal communication – both for my own sake and for that of my clients. If you are not aware of your own body language, you’re probably not in control of what you are really communicating! So there’s rarely a client of mine that doesn’t get coaching in this aspect of their presence. Through the study of body language, not only can we learn how to portray ourselves as confident, powerful, thoughtful professionals (even if we’re not!), but we can also have a deeper understanding of the people around us. A good body language reader can almost seem like a mind reader – and that’s powerful insight in a business setting!

When it comes to body language, most people immediately think about the basics – crossing arms indicates you’re closed, clenched fists indicate anger, etc. The basics are important and extremely useful to understand and control. But if you really want to advance your body language reading ability, get to know the work of Paul Ekman, the genius psychologist who pioneered the study of emotions and how it relates to facial expressions. (As an aside, the Fox TV show “Lie to Me” is based on Paul Ekman’s work.)

Ekman’s study of the isolated South Fore tribesmen of Papua New Guinea led him to understand that certain emotions are basic to all humans and universally identifiable in facial expressions. These are Anger, Disgust, Fear, Happiness, Sadness, Surprise, and Contempt. His further research identified “microexpressions” or fleeting emotional signals that last for only a fraction of a second, and unlike basic body language, are nearly impossible to control. Therefore, being able to spot and identify these brief flashes of emotion can give us an edge in business and relationships. Want to see if you’re a “natural” in identifying microexpressions? Check out this test. Try it without freezing the image. Let me know your score – I only missed two…

Ekman not only developed the Facial Action Coding System (FACS) which categorizes every conceivable human facial expression, but has researched and published widely on all aspects of non-verbal communication as well as specializing in deception and lie detection. If you are really serious about this area, you can even get specific training on Ekman's website – obviously useful for law enforcement professionals and the like.

Start focusing on what people are saying with their bodies, faces and gestures-- you’ll be surprised at how much information is not verbalized!

Man Up to Aging!



Mark Harmon -- Aging well at 59

Most of our female clients are eager to hear advice on looking younger. There’s no doubt that a healthy, vigorous appearance is a big plus for maintaining a strong personal image. And this means paying attention to your weight, the condition of your skin and your hair as well as wearing clothes that don’t “date” you. While women are generally tuned-in to this topic, many of our male clients need to think more about the steps they can take to combat aging. So gentlemen, here are some quick tips you can take this weekend to tune-up.

• Touch of Grey? A little grey hair on a man looks distinguished, right? But there comes a point when grey hair is just aging. If you think you’ve hit that point, an excellent product to use is Touch of Grey. It’s easy to use – takes only a few minutes and you can control the results with additional applications. We like that it still leaves some grey behind so it never looks like a radical change. Most people won’t notice anything specific -- they’ll just think you look better! Please note: Don’t mistake this product for the “Just for Men” hair product – same company, but that that one will take out all your grey. Remember, you want Touch of Grey!

• Skin Deep. Think a skin “regimen” is just for women? Think again. A daily routine should include at least the following: 1) A good cleanser (not bar soap). We recommend BC Mens Skincare Set which takes care of exfoliation as well as getting the crud off. 2) Anti-aging products to help firm up, reduce the age spots, and balance oily and dry areas. If you are 40+, we recommend this kit.Yes, it’s expensive, but used as directed (sparingly), you’ll notice great improvement in your skin.

• Protect what you’ve done. Once you’ve gotten your skin in shape, don’t risk more damage. For sun protection, wear a brimmed hat and a good sunscreen. The best sunscreen for the face is Regeneration Advanced C Protection Creme which not only has the SPF you need, but more anti-aging ingredients! Put some on the tips of your ears – a common skin cancer spot for men!

• Manscaping. Even though you’re 30+, you haven’t stopped growing! Have you noticed some heretofore unseen hair sprouting from your ears, nose and a few wild hairs developing in your eyebrows? Well, more and more will likely appear, so get ready to weedwhack! Your barber will take care of your eyebrows if you ask, but the nose and ears you may need to work on yourself. Don’t use scissors – too risky! Invest in a nose and ear hair trimmer like the Panasonic model for $28.99 on Amazon. Features to look for – an integrated light so you don’t miss anything and a unit that’s immersible so water’s not a problem.

OK, take a look in the mirror and get to work on these easy ways to stop the aging clock! Feel free to ask us any questions!

How Do You Do?

Have you ever been out with friends who run into someone they know, but you are not introduced?  You stand awkwardly not really included in the conversation because you don't know the other person. Or have you ever been at a business function with someone where others know each other, but no one introduces you? Why do we sometimes forget or avoid this social grace? Maybe something that seems so simple is not. Learning the fundamentals for introducing yourself and others will help you feel more secure in social and business situations and you will appear more polished. It’s really not so hard! So, let’s review the basics…

• When you’re the introducer: Don’t leave people out there hanging when they don’t know everyone present! Put everyone at ease and make those introductions! When doing so, remember two things. First, state their full name-first and last. Second, offer snippets of information about the people you’re introducing (their professions, or how you know them). This helps put the person in context and provides an opening for conversation with others present.

• Who’s introduced to whom? Today it is rank, not gender, that determines who’s presented to whom. The more “important” person “receives” the other person, such as “Mr. Big Boss, this is Sally Jones, our music assistant.” Importance can be defined by job level, age, experience, or degree of public recognition. Remember; mention the “important” person’s name first.

• When you are introduced: If the introducer forgets your name, come to their rescue, extend your hand and introduce yourself. If you have already met the person to whom you’re being introduced and they don’t remember you, just quickly remind them where you met. There’s no reason to feel awkward, just smile, put out your hand and state your name.

• Introducing yourself: When you find yourself at a function and no one introduces you, jump right in, extend your hand and state your name. Say “I don’t believe we’ve met. I’m Mary Smith from Hill and Dell.” Be sure to state both your names.

• Concerning names: For many people, names go in one ear and out the other during introductions. Try to put the focus on the other person and listen closely to the name, repeat it in your greeting and then visualize how it would look written down. If you suffer a memory loss with someone you’ve met before, don’t be ashamed to admit it. Be honest and calm: “I’m so sorry, I remember meeting you, but I simply can’t recall your name.” If you remember anything at all about the person or a previous conversation, bring it up.

Whether introducing yourself or being introduced by others, smile and stay relaxed. A warm smile, eye contact, a firm handshake, and sincere greeting are essential to a successful first meeting. Remembering these basics of introductions will put others at ease and you will reap the benefits of social graciousness. Go forth and introduce!

The Four Universal Social Gifts

In my last blog, I mentioned the Four Universal Social Gifts. I first came across this idea in the book First Impressions: What You Don’t Know About How Others See You by Ann Demariais and Valerie White - the cover is shown here.  It's an excellent read!

The social gifts are easy ways that we can be generous with others in our daily lives. Because they focus on how others feel, when you deliver them in a balanced way, the result will amplify your own charisma! Here they are:

1) Appreciation. Everyone wants to feel appreciated. One of the easiest ways to make people feel appreciated is to compliment them on a quality or ability that they do well. The key to giving good complements is to be sincere and specific. You can’t just say, “Liz, you’re great!” A general comment like that might be nice to hear but it doesn’t end up meaning much. “Liz, your reports are always so clear and concise – I really admire your ability to distill the information.” Now that’s a specific and sincere compliment that will surely be well-received!

2) Connection. This is about discovering where you intersect with others. If you start being more aware of others’ activities, you’ll soon discover commonalities. “ Hi, I noticed you’re reading the The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. I just read it and really liked it! Have you read any of the other books in the series?” Or “Don’t you have a son that plays soccer for our town league? My daughter is interested in joining -- has it been a good experience for him?” When we know someone shares an interest, it’s the start of a bond and provides an important sense of belonging.

3) Elevation. We all like to be in good spirits and around others who are in a good mood. One of the best gifts we can give to others is to demonstrate a positive attitude by smiling, laughing and looking at the lighter aspects of any situation.

4) Enlightenment. Most people are curious and like to learn something new. You can bring the gift of enlightenment by relaying some tidbit of information to others that may be interesting or useful to them. It doesn’t need to be particularly intellectual to have the same effect. “Hey, I just heard on the radio that Rascal Flatts is coming to the area for a concert in two months – I know you love them. You can check Ticketmaster for tickets today!”

Being socially generous allows us to build social capital with everyone we meet. Find ways today to start giving and watch your efforts pay immediate dividends!

How To Turn People Off!

We want to be around people who appreciate us, enlighten us, make an effort to connect with us and who make us feel uplifted or happy. When you bring these four “social gifts” to the people around you, you will create a fan base-- it’s guaranteed! But what about the flip side? What are the qualities that will send people running, avoiding you at every turn and gritting their teeth when they must engage with you? Here are some specific conversational types that can poison your work environment.

• You think You’ve Got Problems? We are at our most boring when talking about our personal problems. Whether it’s a health issue, the leak at your house or your meddling mother-in-law, spare your work colleagues the burden of dumping this information on them. (That’s what good non-work friends are for.)

• My Brilliant and Talented Children. Sure, I think my kids are phenomenal, but no one else cares--really! Parenthood can bring out the worst in otherwise excellent conversationalists, as they see each new milestone in their children’s lives as New York Times front page material.

• It’s All about Me! All the time! These people have the radio dialed to themselves and it’s locked in permanently. They mistakenly think they are good communicators because they are talking, but they are among the most boring individuals because they don’t let others participate.

• Debbie Downers. These are the individuals that suck the energy out of any conversation by only seeing the negative and often seem to relish delivering bad news. They leave a wake of depression in their path.

• Hey! Have you Heard the Latest? Gossipers masquerade as exciting conversationalists because they usually have some new and interesting tidbit to share. However, because gossip often undermines the credibility of others, the blow-back potential on participants is dangerously risky. Smart professionals keep their distance from this type.

• My Way or the Highway. Opinionated people are unwilling to see another person’s point of view and quickly manage to alienate others. They are so intent on proving their point that it becomes exhausting to be around them. As managers, these people tend to be surrounded by “yes” people but not by authentic supporters.

Any chance you recognize yourself in any of these types? Yikes! Stay tuned for our next blog on how to expertly use the four social gifts.

Best Hair Length for Professional Women?

This is a very common question I get when speaking to corporate groups. It’s usually asked by a woman with long hair and everyone else in the audience with longish hair snaps to attention to hear the answer. While hair that falls longer than your collarbone is generally not considered professional, there are plenty of exceptions where longer hair works well for certain women. Here are some of the questions I ask my clients when this is an issue:

• Is your long hair keeping you in the past? Sometimes I see women with very long hair and it’s obvious they associate this look with their youth. But actually, long hair (especially worn straight down along the face) can be aging because it accentuates the effect gravity has as we get older by dragging down our facial features. In this case, a shorter cut may create a more youthful appearance overall. Also, as hair goes gray, the consistency of the hair shaft changes, often resulting in wirey texture that won't lay smoothly.   

  

  Low chignon:
  Still Polished!

  
• Are you wearing your hair long for someone else? This is a very typical issue where “my husband (or boyfriend) loves my long hair and doesn’t want me to cut it.” This can be a very touchy area for some women – and dealing with relationship dynamics is not an area in which I want to meddle. However, if you must keep your hair long for harmony at home, consider an up-do for work. A polished chignon, sleek and tidy, or even worn in a loose knot style can be a great professional-looking alternative.




Well-cared for:
Looks Healthy!


• Are you getting regular cuts? Often, when we wear our hair long, we neglect scheduling regular haircuts because it’s easy to just “let it go” for another month. The result can be a frizzy, damaged look at the ends and a general unkempt look which may negatively impact your image. Strive for maintaining your longer hair in excellent health with regular trims and careful conditioning -- you must be willing to make the investment in your long hair!
• Does your hair have a style or is it just long? OK, follow me on this point…Good grooming and carefully coiffed hair provide visual evidence that we care about how we present ourselves. Having a flattering hair style allows you exhibit an attention to detail in this aspect of your appearance. On the other hand, coming to work with barely brushed long hair may seem like you just rolled out of bed. Sometimes waist long hair (or longer) is simply distracting because it is unusual and becomes a focal point. Likewise, very long hair may seem to be wearing you, rather than the other way around.

Our hair is a highly personal part of our image – and it’s easy to hold on to outdated styles and cuts. Why not experiment with something new? If you hate it, well – you know… it’ll grow back!



Not A Passing Grade

The experiment is finished! If you haven’t read our last blog about the new Levis® Curve ID Jeans, this is a continuation of that blog. We measured ourselves per the instructions, ordered our jeans, tried them on, took some pictures, and we are now ready to report our findings.

• Kathryn and I were both surprised at the results of our measuring. We felt that we both would be a Bold Curve fit (jeans that usually fit in the hips and thighs, but gap in the back). However, based on our measurements, Levis® Curve ID said we were both Demi Curve (jeans that usually fit in the waist, but don’t flatter the figure). So based on that information we decided to order one pair of Demi Curve and one pair of Bold Curve for each of us.

• We tried to get the same jeans (finish and style) in Demi and Bold so we could compare the two side by side. I was able to do so, but Kathryn could not. Red flag here-there seems to be several sizes, fit and styles not available across the product line. Not sure why-maybe they are selling out?

Notice the waist

• I ordered Boot Cut-Night Streak in both Demi and Bold Curve and in the same size. Both pairs were too tight, even though I ordered based off my waist measurement. Also they were too low cut for a 40-something like me (I prefer no crack showing-thank you!) The waist fit better on the Bold Curve (remember this is what I thought I needed), but was way too tight in the hips and thighs. The Demi Curve (what my measurements from Levis® said I needed) was not as tight through the hips and thighs, but was huge in the waist.

Waist still gapping

• Kathryn’s experience was similar to mine. She ordered a Demi Curve (what Levis® measurements suggested) Skinny Boot-Glazed and we loved the finish of these jeans, but they were the wrong curve, gapped in the waist, and were also too low cut for comfort. She also order a Bold Curve (what we thought she needed) Straight-Etched. They also gapped in the waist and were too low cut.

Overall we were disappointed. Although we appreciate that Levis® is trying to create jeans for many body types, for us these missed the mark. We still had issues with the gapping waist on every pair and they were just too low cut for us. We would suggest finding a store that carries them, have a fit expert measure you and try on several pairs. If you want to try ordering online, be sure you get free shipping both ways. Bottom line-there is no magic bullet here. You will still need to try on several pairs before finding the best fit.

Coming up next week… Kathryn blogs about hair length for professional women!