The Four Universal Social Gifts

In my last blog, I mentioned the Four Universal Social Gifts. I first came across this idea in the book First Impressions: What You Don’t Know About How Others See You by Ann Demariais and Valerie White - the cover is shown here.  It's an excellent read!

The social gifts are easy ways that we can be generous with others in our daily lives. Because they focus on how others feel, when you deliver them in a balanced way, the result will amplify your own charisma! Here they are:

1) Appreciation. Everyone wants to feel appreciated. One of the easiest ways to make people feel appreciated is to compliment them on a quality or ability that they do well. The key to giving good complements is to be sincere and specific. You can’t just say, “Liz, you’re great!” A general comment like that might be nice to hear but it doesn’t end up meaning much. “Liz, your reports are always so clear and concise – I really admire your ability to distill the information.” Now that’s a specific and sincere compliment that will surely be well-received!

2) Connection. This is about discovering where you intersect with others. If you start being more aware of others’ activities, you’ll soon discover commonalities. “ Hi, I noticed you’re reading the The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. I just read it and really liked it! Have you read any of the other books in the series?” Or “Don’t you have a son that plays soccer for our town league? My daughter is interested in joining -- has it been a good experience for him?” When we know someone shares an interest, it’s the start of a bond and provides an important sense of belonging.

3) Elevation. We all like to be in good spirits and around others who are in a good mood. One of the best gifts we can give to others is to demonstrate a positive attitude by smiling, laughing and looking at the lighter aspects of any situation.

4) Enlightenment. Most people are curious and like to learn something new. You can bring the gift of enlightenment by relaying some tidbit of information to others that may be interesting or useful to them. It doesn’t need to be particularly intellectual to have the same effect. “Hey, I just heard on the radio that Rascal Flatts is coming to the area for a concert in two months – I know you love them. You can check Ticketmaster for tickets today!”

Being socially generous allows us to build social capital with everyone we meet. Find ways today to start giving and watch your efforts pay immediate dividends!

How To Turn People Off!

We want to be around people who appreciate us, enlighten us, make an effort to connect with us and who make us feel uplifted or happy. When you bring these four “social gifts” to the people around you, you will create a fan base-- it’s guaranteed! But what about the flip side? What are the qualities that will send people running, avoiding you at every turn and gritting their teeth when they must engage with you? Here are some specific conversational types that can poison your work environment.

• You think You’ve Got Problems? We are at our most boring when talking about our personal problems. Whether it’s a health issue, the leak at your house or your meddling mother-in-law, spare your work colleagues the burden of dumping this information on them. (That’s what good non-work friends are for.)

• My Brilliant and Talented Children. Sure, I think my kids are phenomenal, but no one else cares--really! Parenthood can bring out the worst in otherwise excellent conversationalists, as they see each new milestone in their children’s lives as New York Times front page material.

• It’s All about Me! All the time! These people have the radio dialed to themselves and it’s locked in permanently. They mistakenly think they are good communicators because they are talking, but they are among the most boring individuals because they don’t let others participate.

• Debbie Downers. These are the individuals that suck the energy out of any conversation by only seeing the negative and often seem to relish delivering bad news. They leave a wake of depression in their path.

• Hey! Have you Heard the Latest? Gossipers masquerade as exciting conversationalists because they usually have some new and interesting tidbit to share. However, because gossip often undermines the credibility of others, the blow-back potential on participants is dangerously risky. Smart professionals keep their distance from this type.

• My Way or the Highway. Opinionated people are unwilling to see another person’s point of view and quickly manage to alienate others. They are so intent on proving their point that it becomes exhausting to be around them. As managers, these people tend to be surrounded by “yes” people but not by authentic supporters.

Any chance you recognize yourself in any of these types? Yikes! Stay tuned for our next blog on how to expertly use the four social gifts.

Best Hair Length for Professional Women?

This is a very common question I get when speaking to corporate groups. It’s usually asked by a woman with long hair and everyone else in the audience with longish hair snaps to attention to hear the answer. While hair that falls longer than your collarbone is generally not considered professional, there are plenty of exceptions where longer hair works well for certain women. Here are some of the questions I ask my clients when this is an issue:

• Is your long hair keeping you in the past? Sometimes I see women with very long hair and it’s obvious they associate this look with their youth. But actually, long hair (especially worn straight down along the face) can be aging because it accentuates the effect gravity has as we get older by dragging down our facial features. In this case, a shorter cut may create a more youthful appearance overall. Also, as hair goes gray, the consistency of the hair shaft changes, often resulting in wirey texture that won't lay smoothly.   

  

  Low chignon:
  Still Polished!

  
• Are you wearing your hair long for someone else? This is a very typical issue where “my husband (or boyfriend) loves my long hair and doesn’t want me to cut it.” This can be a very touchy area for some women – and dealing with relationship dynamics is not an area in which I want to meddle. However, if you must keep your hair long for harmony at home, consider an up-do for work. A polished chignon, sleek and tidy, or even worn in a loose knot style can be a great professional-looking alternative.




Well-cared for:
Looks Healthy!


• Are you getting regular cuts? Often, when we wear our hair long, we neglect scheduling regular haircuts because it’s easy to just “let it go” for another month. The result can be a frizzy, damaged look at the ends and a general unkempt look which may negatively impact your image. Strive for maintaining your longer hair in excellent health with regular trims and careful conditioning -- you must be willing to make the investment in your long hair!
• Does your hair have a style or is it just long? OK, follow me on this point…Good grooming and carefully coiffed hair provide visual evidence that we care about how we present ourselves. Having a flattering hair style allows you exhibit an attention to detail in this aspect of your appearance. On the other hand, coming to work with barely brushed long hair may seem like you just rolled out of bed. Sometimes waist long hair (or longer) is simply distracting because it is unusual and becomes a focal point. Likewise, very long hair may seem to be wearing you, rather than the other way around.

Our hair is a highly personal part of our image – and it’s easy to hold on to outdated styles and cuts. Why not experiment with something new? If you hate it, well – you know… it’ll grow back!



Not A Passing Grade

The experiment is finished! If you haven’t read our last blog about the new Levis® Curve ID Jeans, this is a continuation of that blog. We measured ourselves per the instructions, ordered our jeans, tried them on, took some pictures, and we are now ready to report our findings.

• Kathryn and I were both surprised at the results of our measuring. We felt that we both would be a Bold Curve fit (jeans that usually fit in the hips and thighs, but gap in the back). However, based on our measurements, Levis® Curve ID said we were both Demi Curve (jeans that usually fit in the waist, but don’t flatter the figure). So based on that information we decided to order one pair of Demi Curve and one pair of Bold Curve for each of us.

• We tried to get the same jeans (finish and style) in Demi and Bold so we could compare the two side by side. I was able to do so, but Kathryn could not. Red flag here-there seems to be several sizes, fit and styles not available across the product line. Not sure why-maybe they are selling out?

Notice the waist

• I ordered Boot Cut-Night Streak in both Demi and Bold Curve and in the same size. Both pairs were too tight, even though I ordered based off my waist measurement. Also they were too low cut for a 40-something like me (I prefer no crack showing-thank you!) The waist fit better on the Bold Curve (remember this is what I thought I needed), but was way too tight in the hips and thighs. The Demi Curve (what my measurements from Levis® said I needed) was not as tight through the hips and thighs, but was huge in the waist.

Waist still gapping

• Kathryn’s experience was similar to mine. She ordered a Demi Curve (what Levis® measurements suggested) Skinny Boot-Glazed and we loved the finish of these jeans, but they were the wrong curve, gapped in the waist, and were also too low cut for comfort. She also order a Bold Curve (what we thought she needed) Straight-Etched. They also gapped in the waist and were too low cut.

Overall we were disappointed. Although we appreciate that Levis® is trying to create jeans for many body types, for us these missed the mark. We still had issues with the gapping waist on every pair and they were just too low cut for us. We would suggest finding a store that carries them, have a fit expert measure you and try on several pairs. If you want to try ordering online, be sure you get free shipping both ways. Bottom line-there is no magic bullet here. You will still need to try on several pairs before finding the best fit.

Coming up next week… Kathryn blogs about hair length for professional women!

Will We Ever Find the Perfect Jeans?

As you probably already know, we here at Image Matters don’t advocate wearing jeans to a corporate job. But the weekend is here, so let's talk about something new in the long-standing denim jeans industry.

Nearly every woman we meet has trouble finding a great fitting pair of jeans. They either gap in the waist, they are too tight in the butt and thigh, or the rise is too low -- the list goes on. We end up settling and never really loving what we buy. Whew-it’s exhausting and expensive! Well now there is something new in the jeans arena for all of us -- Levi's ID Curve.

The line consists of three fits:

• Slight Curve – designed to celebrate straight figures
  Slight Curve is designed to define a woman’s waist, while accentuating her curves. If jeans usually fit in the hips and thighs but are too tight in the waist, a woman should try the Slight Curve.
• Demi Curve – designed to fit even proportions
  Demi Curve is designed to flatter a woman’s waist, while smoothing her shape. If jeans usually fit in the waist, but don’t flatter the figure, a woman should try the Demi Curve.
• Bold Curve– designed to honor genuine curves
  Bold Curve is designed to hug the waist, without gapping or pulling. If jeans usually fit in the hips and thighs, but gap in the back, a woman should try the Bold Curve.

These jeans are based on shape-not size and the reviews have been very favorable. Levi’s® Curve ID was created as a result of studying more than 60,000 body scans. They found that 54% of women try on 10 pairs of jeans before finding one that works. I’m surprised it’s only 10 pairs-I try on way more than that! They also found that 80% of women represent one of three different body shapes-hence the three categories. The waist sizes of the Curve ID program range from 22 to 34 and will be available in three styles (boot cut, straight and skinny), with a handful of different finishes. All of the denim has a little bit of stretch to it, because "stretch is an important part of the fit technology for these jeans,” says You Nguyen, senior vice president of women's merchandising and design for the Levi's brand. I say stretch is a wonderful thing! Prices range from $60 to $148-not too bad for a custom fit jean.
I’m willing to give these new jeans a try. Maybe they will be the dream jeans we all want to find! Levi’s® Curve ID will begin rolling out in select Levi’s® retail store locations in the U.S. this fall. Each store carrying the line will have trained fit experts to measure women and help her find the best fitting jeans for her body type and style preference. If there is not a store close to you, visit Levi.com for instructions on measuring yourself to find your fit and to order. You can also explore product demos and learn more about the fit science on this site.
Stay tuned-We’ll let you know what we think after we measure ourselves (no stores close to us!), determine our fit (we think we know what we are-but we’ll see if Levi’s® agrees!), order our own pairs (or two or three pairs!) and try them on. Should be fun and interesting!

Smart Phone Meeting Blues

There seem to be two types of people in meetings these days – those tethered to their smart phones (overtly or surreptitiously typing away), and the rest of us seething with anger at what they are doing.

It’s a common issue I face, not only in meetings with clients but in group workshops, etc. When someone uses their phone to talk, text, check email messages or browse the internet during a meeting they are sending a clear message that they are not completely engaged in the business at hand. Sometimes people keep their phone out to check the time (because they don’t wear a watch). In any case, the message is still the same – they will be interrupted or choose to be distracted at any time. The rule for any face to face encounter is that people always trump machines. So, clearly the proper behavior is to keep the phone out of sight and on the silent setting unless you have some burning issue (or emergency situation) that you have explained to the others in advance.

OK, so we know that’s the correct behavior, but what to do to modify the habits of those addicted to their devices? For any person charged with running a meeting, I recommend announcing a short “housekeeping” list at the beginning of each session. This would include mentioning the length of the meeting, any potential breaks, a description of where the restrooms and water are located and the mobile phone policy for the session. I usually will ask if anyone has a “fire burning” that requires their cell phones to be left on. For all others, I ask if we can agree that all phones will be placed on silent or vibrate and out of sight for the duration of the meeting. I look at all the participants while nodding and smiling to ensure that they understand and are complying. I might restate the break time so that they understand that they can reconnect at that time.

The key is to re-articulate the phone policy at the beginning of each and every meeting – just be absolutely certain to honor the break times and the ending time of the meeting so everyone knows what to expect. Sometimes, I will say “Thank you for being physically present, now let’s ensure that we are mentally present by coming to an agreement about our phones….. “

If you are not running a meeting (but want to push the group to establish some ground rules) you can even ask the leader, “What’s the smart phone policy for this session?" You might seem like a nudge, but hey, it's going to take a concerted effort to remind people that fiddling with their phone is the same as saying "I don't respect the rest of you in the room!"

We'd love to hear your comments on how you manage this issue or creative ways to stop smart phone distractions in meetings.

Manx, Mansier, Mirdle, Bro?

OK, gentlemen readers – this issue has finally reached critical mass: Shapewear for men is the new reality. With more and more articles in the popular press covering this topic, I believe we can decisively say this category of “squeeze, tuck and hide it” underwear is here to stay.

What does this mean? Just as women have come to depend on products like Spanx to contain, smooth out, and stop the jiggling of excess flesh, you too now have a variety of sausage casing-like products to keep you looking young and svelte!Think Cosmo Kramers "Bro" concept was far-fetched?

Along with Spanx, Sculptees, and Equmen, there are no fewer than 12 companies marketing the slimming undergarments to both beer-drinking 40-somethings as well as body conscious younger dudes! And while some brave individuals are buying in person, the majority of purchases are online.

Benefits include:

• Smoothed out love handles.
• Slimmer waist.
• Redefined chest and no nipple show-through.
• Improved posture – potentially easing back pain.

When would you consider such a thing? Well, how about everyday? Can’t bring yourself to go there? What about those occasions when it really, really matters how you look – like an interview? Or a special event where many pictures will be taken? Because it’s hard to suck in the gut for more than a few minutes at a time, shapeware can really help make a good impression.
Women love Spanx – maybe it’s time men start to understand why! Worried about comments from the guys? Just tell 'em it's for back pain!
Words of caution: New girlfriends may be put off by false advertising. Reality bites back when you get naked!
Read more from the New York Times about this trend.